Day 188

Hi Dad,

I know, twice this week, I'm really talking your ear off, just like I normally do, huh? I love your giggle when you realize I'm starting to babble on and on about something, that's the best!

Today was my last commencement ceremony! It is a little bit of a silly formality since we still have to keep working until the end of July, but with all the pomp and circumstance (literally, ha!) it was still something to enjoy and be excited about. I decided not to really invite any of the family to come to Chicago for it because it isn't really graduation and it is a long trip for people to come from home.  Nick tried to surprise me and asked everyone to come, but I found out and called them all back to tell them it wasn't necessary. Mom said she could hear you saying, "If I was there, we'd be going." That made me cry.

I think the biggest reason I didn't want anyone to come was because you wouldn't be there, and if everyone else was it would be even more obvious that this is the first and only graduation you didn't make it to. And dad's aren't supposed to die before kids are done with school. It's a rule. I know for me it's not really fair because this is my 23rd grade (*eye roll*), but its still school and it broke my heart to not have you there to tell me you were proud of me. So much of my academic success was because I was working hard to make you proud of me, and I never got sick of hearing it, even if I didn't think I deserved the praise.

Of course Nick was there to pump me up and make me feel special.  I brought you with me, too...

I wore your watch the whole day just to make sure you were watching.

As morbid as it is, the fact that you were wearing it when you died makes it feel like it really was a piece of you and I get to keep it with me always. It's a little big though, but that also tells me exactly how big your wrist was, and I find comfort in all of these things. I just never want to forget anything about you, as impossible as that might be.

Well, it was a great day full of happy thoughts. I'm very happy to say I am so close to completing my education, and almost a real grown up! Now I just have to pass my boards. Eeek!

Miss and love you forever and ever.

Love,
Ashley

Day 186

Hi Dad,

I had a moment today and wanted to tell you about it...
I was in the elevator and there was a 40-something woman talking on the phone and she kept saying, "Ok, daddy, ok". Then a few seconds later someone else came on the phone and she said, "Hi honey, you have a baseball game tonight and its really cold out, so I need to you put on a lot of layers. You'll have to go into your closet and find the polar fleece in there and make sure you put it on under your uniform, ok? Then Grandpa is going to take you to your game." (All of that happened in a short 4-floor elevator ride.) We got off the elevator and I had tears in my eyes realizing that you'll never be able to take my little boy to his baseball game, or help him bundle up on cold spring days - something I know you would have cherished. I would have needed your help, Dad. I really would have. Gosh it hurts so much to have lost you. Thinking of you always.

Love, Ashley

PS. You poked me with your prayer card when I opened my cabinet this afternoon, and it hurt, but I think you just wanted to say hey so I smiled. <3

Here's Nick at dinner tonight - He says hi. :)