At this time last year we were just putting the pieces together and learning that life would be forever changed. At first I felt hopeless. I couldn't stand up and I couldn't sit down. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I couldn't talk. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't understand how the earth could still be turning, how life could possibly go on without you. It made me angry see that people were still going on with their normal lives when I felt like mine had ended.
I spent the last 12 months working through all of the feelings, and slowly gained the strength to keep moving forward. With everyone's help I went back to Chicago, continued with school, got a new puppy, bought a house, graduated from school, moved back to Michigan, started my new job and thought about you every single day.
The pain we've all gone through over the last year is unbelievable. We all have dealt with your loss in our own ways. I like to talk about you any chance I get, and talk about what a wonderful person you are, how I feel lost without you, and how the relationship we have is irreplaceable. I talk about what you were going through, that you struggled with addiction, and you died by suicide, and how terrifying all of that is. I think about what I could have done differently to help you and am reminded that you would have asked if you needed or wanted my help. I am reminded that this is what you wanted, whether it was because you were in too much pain or there was no better way, and I do find a little comfort knowing that this was a choice you made. And I know it wasn't easy breaking our hearts.
I cry, a lot. I cry when I hear a song that reminds me of you. I cry when I'm missing your voice. I cry when I need your help and you can't help me. I cry when I think of Mom all alone. I cry when I think of my children, who will never have the chance to meet you. I cry when I feel the sun beating down on me, when you are sending me your sunshine. It's not all sad though. I can't explain it, but sometimes the crying is just an expression of how much I will always love you, how I will never forget you and the person you made me. After all, my crying mostly comes from my sappy Dad.
I've had so much support from family and friends in the last 365 days. There have been very few days when someone hasn't asked how I am doing or reminded me that they are there for me whenever I need them. Uncle Pat reached out last week and said, "Even tho it's the anniversary of him leaving us, I don't think it will be any worse than many of the other days we have been through since he left. He will be saying to you, 'See, I knew you could do it.'" When I asked Uncle Pat what you were saying to him, he said, "He is saying, 'Thanks for telling her that for me.'"
I feel so blessed to have pieces of you in me and all around me. I feel your presence in Michael and in your brothers. Michael and I talk about all of the traits we've inherited from you, and how lucky we feel to have them. You're an amazing person, Dad. I feel so lucky to have you as my dad. And I know the feeling is mutual. <3
