Hi Dad,
I'm having a sleepless night. It's one of those late school work nights because I procrastinated long enough, and now want to kick myself for it. It's one of those nights I would have texted you in the middle of the night because I knew you'd answer shortly - since most nights were semi-sleepless for you. It was just one of those small comforts I had knowing you were just on the other side of the phone, always available whenever I needed you.
And now with my sleep deprivation my mind is wondering and I'm thinking about you in your scariest darkest moment, wishing I could have been there for you when you needed me. And maybe not even to save you, maybe just to comfort you when you needed it, so that you didn't have to be alone. I'm so sorry, Dad, I should have known. I should have picked up the phone that night, but why didn't you call me? I would have been there for you.
I love you.
Goodnight, Dad.
Ashley
Thursday, January 26, 2017
Tuesday, January 17, 2017
Day 79
Hey Dad,
Life is good right now, wishing so badly I could share it with you.
I'm getting mad at myself that I didn't ask you more questions in your last few months. I should have been less self-centered and paid more attention to clues or anything and pushed you to talk about what you were doing and feeling. You told me in your letter that it was on purpose, that you didn't want anyone to know... but I should have figured it out. I should have known something was wrong and I should have made you tell me. I'm so heartbroken, Daddy.
I miss you...
Ashley
Life is good right now, wishing so badly I could share it with you.
I'm getting mad at myself that I didn't ask you more questions in your last few months. I should have been less self-centered and paid more attention to clues or anything and pushed you to talk about what you were doing and feeling. You told me in your letter that it was on purpose, that you didn't want anyone to know... but I should have figured it out. I should have known something was wrong and I should have made you tell me. I'm so heartbroken, Daddy.
I miss you...
Ashley
Thursday, January 12, 2017
Day 74
Hey Dad,
Missing you. Tonight is my first night alone since you've been gone. Isn't it amazing that Nick has been home with me all of those 74 days? I know you're not surprised. I bet you're thinking something like, "Well, that's just the kind of guy he is, and that's why I love him so much." And you're right, and you were always right about him. He is simply perfect. I am so lucky we crossed paths, and then crossed paths again. Now I simply can't imagine life without him. I know he is big reason why you felt like you could leave me, because you know what good care he would take of me. And so I am very thankful for him, and thankful that he gave you the freedom to get away from your pain.
It's still hurting, Dad. I want to call you so badly. I had a rough week this week. I had a lot of breakdowns. I was talking to one of my teachers, Dr. Baker, in clinic and literally in mid sentence started crying without warning because you popped into my head, and all I could say was "I'm sorry I'm having a moment" and I walked away. He completely understood though, and there were no questions at all. Everyone seems to understand how hard this has been on me, and everyone has been so supportive. But I really am doing OK. Most of the time I am saying very happy things about you - sometimes I still talk about you as though you're alive like, "My dad likeS that" instead of "My dad likeD that." I hope that never changes.
One thing I am struggling with is that I feel like you were the one person I could tell pretty much anything to or ask anything of and not feel weird or bad about it. You were always interested (or at least acted interested) in every thing that I said. And if I had a question about anything, I never felt like I was putting you out or annoying you. I knew you wanted to help me with the answer and wanted to hear the details of my story. I never felt like it was bragging if I told you something went well, or that it was complaining if it was something that went not so well. I don't feel like I have that anymore, and its really really hard. You were my person, Dad...
Love always & forever,
your baby girl
Missing you. Tonight is my first night alone since you've been gone. Isn't it amazing that Nick has been home with me all of those 74 days? I know you're not surprised. I bet you're thinking something like, "Well, that's just the kind of guy he is, and that's why I love him so much." And you're right, and you were always right about him. He is simply perfect. I am so lucky we crossed paths, and then crossed paths again. Now I simply can't imagine life without him. I know he is big reason why you felt like you could leave me, because you know what good care he would take of me. And so I am very thankful for him, and thankful that he gave you the freedom to get away from your pain.
It's still hurting, Dad. I want to call you so badly. I had a rough week this week. I had a lot of breakdowns. I was talking to one of my teachers, Dr. Baker, in clinic and literally in mid sentence started crying without warning because you popped into my head, and all I could say was "I'm sorry I'm having a moment" and I walked away. He completely understood though, and there were no questions at all. Everyone seems to understand how hard this has been on me, and everyone has been so supportive. But I really am doing OK. Most of the time I am saying very happy things about you - sometimes I still talk about you as though you're alive like, "My dad likeS that" instead of "My dad likeD that." I hope that never changes.
One thing I am struggling with is that I feel like you were the one person I could tell pretty much anything to or ask anything of and not feel weird or bad about it. You were always interested (or at least acted interested) in every thing that I said. And if I had a question about anything, I never felt like I was putting you out or annoying you. I knew you wanted to help me with the answer and wanted to hear the details of my story. I never felt like it was bragging if I told you something went well, or that it was complaining if it was something that went not so well. I don't feel like I have that anymore, and its really really hard. You were my person, Dad...
Love always & forever,
your baby girl
 |
| Riley is working extra hard keeping me company tonight. <3 |
Sunday, January 1, 2017
Day 63
Hi Dad,
We made it back safely to Chicago! It felt weird not texting that to you tonight, its one of the things on my checklist when we get home from Michigan. This was a crazy whirlwind trip to Michigan. I kind of interviewed for my real big person job - 5 different places! - and... WE BOUGHT A HOUSE! (Or at least have the agreement to buy the house.) Isn't that just crazy! I think you'll love it! It was a pretty stressful week. And to be honest with the exception of a few people, we didn't really get the response we would have hoped for from everyone on the new house. Everyone has so many opinions and then seems to judge based on what they think is best for us and seem to be forgetting that it's not about other people, because it our house and our decision. You would have told me that and told me to tell the other people to "get over it" and make sure that we are making US happy. But I guess I was just disappointed that for one of the biggest milestones in our lives (our first home!) people weren't just completely unconditionally happy for us. But hopefully they'll soon see that Nick and I have our heads on straight, that thus far we have made excellent decisions for ourselves and that all that really matters is that we are happy.
You'll love the house and the lot - its a big lot, almost an acre! And when you look out the front window of the house, you look into a huge yard of trees. It's kind of serene. I think you would have thought it was beautiful and comforting. Nick is going to get (and need) a tractor to maintain the lawn. You of all people know how happy that makes him. He has already spent hours researching what he wants and what will be the best machine for our yard. He is so cute! I wish I could tell you that there is an extra bedroom for you to come and stay with us whenever you want to (but no smoking allowed!). But now maybe I just get to have you around a lot more than you would have actually spent there. I'll think of all your favorite spots and dream of you putzing around and doing little odds and ends to help us.
We are keeping our fingers crossed that the inspection and the appraisal go well. For now I'll leave you here in this room to look out on the trees in our front yard. I'll dedicate one to you, one really close to the house, so that when I look out the front I'll think of you in the pretty yard, always close by protecting us like I know you would. Love you so so much.
Love,
your baby girl
always & forever
We made it back safely to Chicago! It felt weird not texting that to you tonight, its one of the things on my checklist when we get home from Michigan. This was a crazy whirlwind trip to Michigan. I kind of interviewed for my real big person job - 5 different places! - and... WE BOUGHT A HOUSE! (Or at least have the agreement to buy the house.) Isn't that just crazy! I think you'll love it! It was a pretty stressful week. And to be honest with the exception of a few people, we didn't really get the response we would have hoped for from everyone on the new house. Everyone has so many opinions and then seems to judge based on what they think is best for us and seem to be forgetting that it's not about other people, because it our house and our decision. You would have told me that and told me to tell the other people to "get over it" and make sure that we are making US happy. But I guess I was just disappointed that for one of the biggest milestones in our lives (our first home!) people weren't just completely unconditionally happy for us. But hopefully they'll soon see that Nick and I have our heads on straight, that thus far we have made excellent decisions for ourselves and that all that really matters is that we are happy.
You'll love the house and the lot - its a big lot, almost an acre! And when you look out the front window of the house, you look into a huge yard of trees. It's kind of serene. I think you would have thought it was beautiful and comforting. Nick is going to get (and need) a tractor to maintain the lawn. You of all people know how happy that makes him. He has already spent hours researching what he wants and what will be the best machine for our yard. He is so cute! I wish I could tell you that there is an extra bedroom for you to come and stay with us whenever you want to (but no smoking allowed!). But now maybe I just get to have you around a lot more than you would have actually spent there. I'll think of all your favorite spots and dream of you putzing around and doing little odds and ends to help us.
We are keeping our fingers crossed that the inspection and the appraisal go well. For now I'll leave you here in this room to look out on the trees in our front yard. I'll dedicate one to you, one really close to the house, so that when I look out the front I'll think of you in the pretty yard, always close by protecting us like I know you would. Love you so so much.
Love,
your baby girl
always & forever
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