How are you? Hope you had a good sunshiny Saturday. I had a long day at work, my neck and back are hurting from looking down for 8 hours straight. That is a funny thing, I know I'm a wimp and young and can't complain but whenever I think to myself that my neck hurts, I think of you and think of the pain you always had. It reminds me that I need to take good care of myself.
I have been talking to Mom tonight about you and how much we miss you. Was thinking about your letter - and how you said that you knew I was going to hate you for what you did. I know deep down that you don't actually think I hate you, but it really breaks my heart to think you left this world thinking I could hate you. So I just really need you to know that I don't hate you. I miss you and I hate that you're gone, but I don't hate you. I would never hate you.
I'm going through a blinding phase. I don't want to think about your death or anything related to it because I don't want to cry. At first all I wanted to do was think about you and keep everything that could remind me of you at my fingertips. And if I couldn't see it I would panic. Now I feel like I need to keep them close but hidden. I have your Harvard watch that you were wearing when you died tucked in a secret pocket of my bag - I always know it's there but I don't see it. I have your letter on my dresser next to the bed, but I have it locked in a plastic bag and hidden under tray so that I can't always see it. But I always wear my ring with your birthstone, and I look at it a thousand times each day. I am always thinking about you, just avoiding the thoughts about you being gone.
Wish I could call you to catch up. Instead I listen to your voicemails... "Hi Ash, sorry I missed your call, call me back, love you, bye!" -- In your "happy dad" voice. I have about 50 of them saved. They're the best.
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| "Happy Dad" |
Miss and love you always.
Love,
Ashley
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