Day 217

Hi Dad,

I am missing you. Another anniversary, our first wedding anniversary, without you. It was a busy day and mostly happy. I cried a little (as I do every day...) thinking about you and wishing you could be here. It started just as the day did last year - a perfect sunshine-y morning, only this time I didn't wake up to a message from you saying, "Wow! What a spectacular day. It just fits the occasion. Remember today only happens once and it should be the happiest day of your life. Enjoy every moment!" The BEST days always started with a message from you. And I really can't imagine a day I will be happier - because you're not here.

We spent the day working in the yard - a never ending task. But its our yard, so it is fun. We went to dinner, but ditched out on the nice food and ended up going to the Birmingham carnival. I made Nick ride the spinning spaceship ride, but it took a lot of pouting. :P And we ate pizza and elephant ears. :) It doesn't have to be fancy, just us and its special. We're really lucky to have that in our relationship.

I've been doing a lot of driving alone to and from Chicago with Nick spending some time in Michigan. I realize that the long trip in the car is when I do the deepest thinking, and I spend a lot of that time thinking about you. I look to the sky and imagine you watching me like an ant traveling back and forth.

I think about how much I miss you, and I how took my time with you for granted. I think about what you must have been going through to have to leave us. I think about what was going through your mind in the last few days, hours and minutes of your life. I picture you crying at your desk as you wrote us our letters. I think about how you KNEW you were leaving us. I think about how scared you must have been and how much pain you must have endured understanding how much you were going to hurt us... hurt me. And it kills me to think about the agony you must have gone through to make that decision.  It's selfish of me to prefer you to still be in pain and struggling with your addiction, but I'm so angry that you're not here. I just want to talk to you and hug you.

I know you're watching me, and you're involved in every day of my life, through tears and smiles... but the pain is never going away. I just want the chance to tell you that you I love you and that you are the very best dad, one more time - so that you know it for eternity.

Uncle Ted, Uncle Bob, Kevin and Mike went to Canada on the annual fishing trip. Mom sent a part of you with them to leave there so that you will always be in your very favorite place. They all talked about how much you loved Dog Lake. Uncle Bob says that it's even more special now that a piece of your spirit is there. Kevin made a video, and it's absolutely beautiful. They hung your hat in the cabin and said that now you can make the journey to your favorite spots on the lake whenever you want to. Uncle Pat couldn't make it, but said that after watching the video he felt he was there, just as he was on so many trips with you, and thanked them for taking you on your last trip.

I'll always have this beautiful little piece of closure to look at whenever I'm feeling sad. And if I ever need to, I may just have to make my second trip to Dog Lake to come and see you and all of the beauty that surrounds you, just like it always has. I love you, Daddy. <3

***

When it rains it pours and opens doors

And floods the floors we thought would always 
keep us safe and dry

And in the midst of sailing ships
we sink our lips into the ones we love

That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean

I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

'Cause when I look to the sky 
something tells me you're here with me

And you make everything alright

And when I feel like I'm lost
something tells me you're here with me

And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say that caught up in some busy day

And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't dance before

And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss

And pick you up in all of this when I sail away

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead

Instead it just feels like it is impossible to fly

But with you I can spread my wings

To see me over everything that life may send me

When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me

There you are to show me

 When I look to the sky 
something tells me you're here with me

And you make everything alright

And when I feel like I'm lost
something tells me you're here with me

And I can always find my way when you are here

I can always find my way 
***

 Final Goodbye