Day 325

Hi Dad,

Long time, no talk. Its unbearable, I would do anything to hear your voice and laugh. I have one of your voicemails to listen to - but it's not enough. When you started texting me the voicemails mostly ended, and now I really only have 1 left that I can replay.

I was thinking about you yesterday when I hung up my lab coat at work. It has "Dr. Coulter" embroidered on the chest and I thought to myself my dad would think this is really cool.

Work has been good - busy and stressful, just as it should be. It is a huge adjustment from residency, more so than I expected, but I'm slowly adjusting. Nick's new job at Ford is going well, too. He'd love to tell you about it. You had such an amazing way of pumping both of us up about anything and everything we had going on.

I had a terrible dream last night - I was away with Mom on a weekend trip, and you went away hunting as well. On Saturday I was worried about you and called and left you many voicemails, but you didn't return them. On Sunday we were off doing something and I couldn't bring my phone - when I came back I had 10 voicemails from you. The first 8 were just background noise and I couldn't hear anything. The last two were videos you took while driving. The first one was just a view of the road ahead of you as you drove, mountains on the right and a cliff overlooking a beautiful blue body of water to left. It looked similar to the Dingli Cliffs in Malta. The second video was the view of the side of the cliff and I could see you pass the cliff and then all I could see was the bright blue water below just as the video cut off. I woke up with the most terrible panicked feeling and terrible pain in my chest. I think it's heartache - and I think it will always be there. As much as I know it shouldn't, I feel like your death has started to define a part of me - I'm Ashley, I'm 29, I'm married, I'm an endodontist, I have 2 dogs and my dad died very tragically last year. 

I'm going to be better about sharing things with you (good and bad) more often - if only to just make me feel a little closer to you. I miss you so much. Love you Daddy. <3