Day 56

Merry Christmas Eve, Daddy!

The first Christmas without you, so unbelievable. I thought of you so much today (and everyday).  I cried while I did my hair this morning, and I cried while we sang at church tonight. I keep thinking how sad I am that we got so busy in the last few years and I haven't actually spent Christmas Eve or Day with you in many years. But then I thought back to our old Christmas Eve traditions - which usually consisted of some last minute preparation, going to Aunt Jackie's church (with the fun candles!) and then going over to Uncle Ted's to wait for Santa. I remember you putting the tracker on the TV for me, and then when Santa got close enough, we'd head home, and you would light the lanterns out by the lake so Santa and his reindeer could find their way. We'd set out the milk & cookies and you'd send me to bed. (That was when you really got to work!)

There is this special feeling I get thinking about Christmas Eve, and it makes me so happy remembering the smell of the fire downstairs and the warm, cozy excitement and anticipation I always felt that night. I remember seeing the joy on your face when my eyes lit up when I saw the presents as I came down the stairs in the morning. You were always ready with the camera in hand. I loved watching you give Duchess her stocking, excited to give her the special treats. I remember your special breakfasts you'd always prepare for us. It makes me so happy to think of happy memories with you. You (and mom) always made Christmas such an amazingly special day - and that is something I will never forget. I can't wait to pass the experience down to my babies and tell them how it used to be with you when I was little. My kids are going to feel like they know you with how much I will talk about you.

We spent Christmas Eve with Nick's family. We spent the day shopping, wrapping presents, and helping to prepare dinner. Then we went to mass, came home and had a really nice dinner, and then opened presents. It is such a wonderful family to be a part of - having so many siblings is such a blessing. (Something you know a little bit about, huh?) We also got a lot of really nice stuff. Nick bought me a sewing machine! I will probably have a hard time using it, but I am looking forward to trying it. I got Nick a Shinola watch - he was really happy, and seeing him happy makes me incredibly happy. And when I feel happy I feel sad because I know I am starting to cope with losing you, and I don't feel like I'm ready to say that yet. Because the only thing I really want for Christmas is you here, and to share this day and every other day with you. Missing you always.

Love,
your baby girl
always & forever

Our first Christmas as a married couple, the first Christmas without you.

Day 47

Good morning, Dad!

Man, I sure do miss you. Today is Coulter Christmas... it won't feel like Coulter Christmas at all without you there. I know there will be lots of laughter and lots of tears thinking of what it would have been like with you there with us. Please know we will try to be happy, but that we are all aching almost nonstop every single day. I can't believe you're gone!

I'm sad that I kind of missed out on our last Coulter Christmas with you. Our stupid brakes broke down, and I'm sure caused you a lot of stress, and we made it but so late! We didn't even make the family picture last year. So now when we look back through all of the Coulter Christmas's over the years, it will seem like my last one with you was 2014. But then I will remember that we stopped somewhere near Kalamazoo and got out of the car and Nick immediately said "can you please call your dad?" (Like he always does.) And I did - I called you right away (like I always do!) and said "Dad, when I feel the wheel on the front driver's side, it feels hot and the rest all feel cold, what does that mean?" and you said, "Well, something not good, I think you need to stop and get it checked out." And then 4 hours later we had new brakes, and not just the pads, the whole new rotors, too. For like the the 3rd time in 4 years!! That stupid car! But we finally made it to Aunt Jackie's, and when we got there I remember her telling me she saw tears in your eyes that day, tears that said you were missing me and worrying about me. Well, we have our trusty "beamer" now, and as long as we are careful I think she'll get us there safely, so you don't have to worry!

I'm sorry I always stressed you out on my drives... remember that time I drove from Boston in the snow storm near Buffalo and I called cuz I couldn't see a track or light or a thing in front of me and you MADE me stop at the the rest stop. So Riley and I slept in the car with the doors locked with you on the speaker phone for 2 hours just listening to us while we slept out the storm, just to make sure no one stole us.  And of course, after a little bit of sleep, the snow stopped and I was on my way, home safely in almost 20 hours! And thats reason number 11 of about 5 million why you are the best dad in the whole world.

I really almost don't even want to do this today. I will probably go out into the smokey garage to find you, because that was really the only reason I ever wanted to go out into the smokey garage, and then realize you're not there. I will watch the brothers gift exchange, and be thinking the same thing everyone else will be thinking, "I can't believe Tim's not here!" And I'll try to help mom gather everyone for the group pictures, because I know she will have a hard time with it, too. Everyone will be missing you, Dad. I'll hug everyone extra tight for you. Love you so much.

Love,
your baby girl
always & forever

Christmas 2015

Day 37

Hi Dad!

I'm 29 today! The last year of my twenties. I can imagine you saying that you can't believe it. One of my favorite parts, if not my very favorite part, of my birthday was always you calling me to wish me happy birthday. Sometimes it was the first call I got and sometimes it was later in the day, but I always looked forward to it. And it usually came with at least one "my baby girl", and it never ever got old.

Twenty-nine is going to be a big year for me!

I will finally finish school. Bet you never would have thought I would be in school until I was 29 years old, huh? I didn't really either. But its for real, and I think it will probably be worth it.

This year we will go to Malta! I didn't get a chance to tell you that we were planning a big trip to Malta. You remember I haven't been since I was 6, right? Hopefully we will convince Grandma and Grandpa to go, but I know its going to be a trip I will always remember.

This year I will start my first real big adult-person JOB. Hopefully, as long as things pan out the way I hope they will. (Remind me to tell you about the phone conversation I had yesterday - possible exciting news!)

This year Nick and I will [probably] buy our first house! You already knew we have been obsessed with looking. At first I wanted my big house with the circle driveway and two staircases (because you know that's what I have been dreaming about my whole life...), but we have decided it makes more sense to get a smaller starter home. We have been jumping all over the place in terms of where and what we want. We have most recently been looking at little older brick homes in older neighborhoods. Something that has "curb appeal" and all of the essentials, an extra bedroom or two for guests, and either updates or potential for updates. I was really looking forward to asking you all kinds of questions about the house, but I still will. Hopefully you'll help me make some decisions. I bet you're going to love it!

I can very easily say 28 was the best and worst year ever. I never imagined that could be possible. Today is first of many milestones I have to go through without you... and I will get through it, but I won't like it. And there are so many real big adult-person things that I will have to experience this year without you. I may have even told you I feel like I am finally "grown up" and may have stopped telling you "when I grow up..." But I know you're watching me, and I'll try to think of all of wonderful things you would have said to me if you were here. And I know I am still making you happy and proud up there. I miss you more than words can possibly say. You're still my favorite.

Love,
your baby girl
always & forever

Day 35

Well, I figured its about time I stop weeping all over Facebook and find a place to say what I am feeling, or thinking, or just anything I want to say without feeling like I must be depressing everyone around me. There have been hundreds of times over the past month where I thought, 'this is something I really wish I could tell Dad' and so I've decided I am going to tell him. Whether its how sad I am or how excited I am or what I ate for lunch that day - I am going to tell him. If you want to read it you're welcome to, but I'll mostly just leave this right here for Dad to read at his leisure. <3 Love you, Pappy!