The first Christmas without you, so unbelievable. I thought of you so much today (and everyday). I cried while I did my hair this morning, and I cried while we sang at church tonight. I keep thinking how sad I am that we got so busy in the last few years and I haven't actually spent Christmas Eve or Day with you in many years. But then I thought back to our old Christmas Eve traditions - which usually consisted of some last minute preparation, going to Aunt Jackie's church (with the fun candles!) and then going over to Uncle Ted's to wait for Santa. I remember you putting the tracker on the TV for me, and then when Santa got close enough, we'd head home, and you would light the lanterns out by the lake so Santa and his reindeer could find their way. We'd set out the milk & cookies and you'd send me to bed. (That was when you really got to work!)
There is this special feeling I get thinking about Christmas Eve, and it makes me so happy remembering the smell of the fire downstairs and the warm, cozy excitement and anticipation I always felt that night. I remember seeing the joy on your face when my eyes lit up when I saw the presents as I came down the stairs in the morning. You were always ready with the camera in hand. I loved watching you give Duchess her stocking, excited to give her the special treats. I remember your special breakfasts you'd always prepare for us. It makes me so happy to think of happy memories with you. You (and mom) always made Christmas such an amazingly special day - and that is something I will never forget. I can't wait to pass the experience down to my babies and tell them how it used to be with you when I was little. My kids are going to feel like they know you with how much I will talk about you.
We spent Christmas Eve with Nick's family. We spent the day shopping, wrapping presents, and helping to prepare dinner. Then we went to mass, came home and had a really nice dinner, and then opened presents. It is such a wonderful family to be a part of - having so many siblings is such a blessing. (Something you know a little bit about, huh?) We also got a lot of really nice stuff. Nick bought me a sewing machine! I will probably have a hard time using it, but I am looking forward to trying it. I got Nick a Shinola watch - he was really happy, and seeing him happy makes me incredibly happy. And when I feel happy I feel sad because I know I am starting to cope with losing you, and I don't feel like I'm ready to say that yet. Because the only thing I really want for Christmas is you here, and to share this day and every other day with you. Missing you always.
Love,
your baby girl
always & forever
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| Our first Christmas as a married couple, the first Christmas without you. |
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