Day 231

Happy First Father's Day in Heaven, Dad.

I've been thinking about today for a few weeks now, dreading it's arrival. Just as expected, it's here and I have a mix of emotions. It's really difficult to see everyone celebrating their dads and think about the fact that I'll never get another Father's Day celebrating you in person. I always felt so sad for you to lose your parents in your twenties, and never thought I would be feeling sad for me losing one of mine so young, too. I get jealous of older people who still have their dads and they're in their 50s and 60s. That would have been 30+ YEARS of enjoying your presence and having my favorite person in my life. That's more years than I have lived, and it's just not fair. The other day Michael posted that he had to bury his son and his dad, and I know he's feeling jipped, too.

Now that I've gotten a few of the bad emotions out, I'll move onto the good ones.

Even though I can't tell you in person anymore, there is so much to celebrate with having you as my Dad. I think you knew exactly what you meant me, so I find comfort knowing that there isn't much I feel I didn't get to tell you before you left us. But I would have kept telling you how important you are to me until the day we were forever separated.

Thank you, Dad - for teaching me how to love and be loved. Thank you for telling me how much you loved me every chance you had. Your passion and love for life and for people is something I hope I have inherited. Thank you for teaching me to take life seriously, but not too seriously, and that its' important to remember the BIG picture. Because whatever small problem or stress I am having in the moment, doesn't really matter, as long as I have family to love and care for and maybe a good couch to sleep on and a nice ratty old t-shirt to wear. Thank you for showing me the unconditional love you have for your siblings and your friends. That you should drop everything when someone asks you for a favor, because the joy you have out of helping someone you care about is far more rewarding than anything else you can spend your time on. Thank you for loving Nick and never letting me forget it, because although it took me some time to figure it out, he is the best thing that ever happened to me. (You knew that from the beginning.) Thank you for suffering with pain for so long to be here for me, through 23 years of school and until you could give me away on my wedding day. Thank you, Dad, for having such a huge presence in my life - because although losing you has been the most painful experience I will likely ever have to go through, I only have the pain I do because of the extraordinary impact you had on my life and the enormous void you left when you died, and I wouldn't trade the relationship you built with me for anything in the world.

I picked out a present for you - only this time I didn't have to buy it! :) We liked this t-shirt (and you like t shirts, so its always a safe buy!) - Its a mix between fishing and science - your world and mine. :P



I love you, Dad. <3 Ashley

Day 226

Hi Dad,

I'm having a good day. It's one of those days where you just feel happy and its not really for any reason. The sun is shining, there are only 42 days left until I am done with school (forever), and I just feel happy. :) It's also one of those days I would have thought I need to call my dad and tell him! So here I am - "calling" you. Love you so much.

Love always,
Ashley

P.S. I'm turning over a new leaf - no cream and sugar in my coffee. Wish me luck, 'cause I'm gonna need it! :P

Day 217

Hi Dad,

I am missing you. Another anniversary, our first wedding anniversary, without you. It was a busy day and mostly happy. I cried a little (as I do every day...) thinking about you and wishing you could be here. It started just as the day did last year - a perfect sunshine-y morning, only this time I didn't wake up to a message from you saying, "Wow! What a spectacular day. It just fits the occasion. Remember today only happens once and it should be the happiest day of your life. Enjoy every moment!" The BEST days always started with a message from you. And I really can't imagine a day I will be happier - because you're not here.

We spent the day working in the yard - a never ending task. But its our yard, so it is fun. We went to dinner, but ditched out on the nice food and ended up going to the Birmingham carnival. I made Nick ride the spinning spaceship ride, but it took a lot of pouting. :P And we ate pizza and elephant ears. :) It doesn't have to be fancy, just us and its special. We're really lucky to have that in our relationship.

I've been doing a lot of driving alone to and from Chicago with Nick spending some time in Michigan. I realize that the long trip in the car is when I do the deepest thinking, and I spend a lot of that time thinking about you. I look to the sky and imagine you watching me like an ant traveling back and forth.

I think about how much I miss you, and I how took my time with you for granted. I think about what you must have been going through to have to leave us. I think about what was going through your mind in the last few days, hours and minutes of your life. I picture you crying at your desk as you wrote us our letters. I think about how you KNEW you were leaving us. I think about how scared you must have been and how much pain you must have endured understanding how much you were going to hurt us... hurt me. And it kills me to think about the agony you must have gone through to make that decision.  It's selfish of me to prefer you to still be in pain and struggling with your addiction, but I'm so angry that you're not here. I just want to talk to you and hug you.

I know you're watching me, and you're involved in every day of my life, through tears and smiles... but the pain is never going away. I just want the chance to tell you that you I love you and that you are the very best dad, one more time - so that you know it for eternity.

Uncle Ted, Uncle Bob, Kevin and Mike went to Canada on the annual fishing trip. Mom sent a part of you with them to leave there so that you will always be in your very favorite place. They all talked about how much you loved Dog Lake. Uncle Bob says that it's even more special now that a piece of your spirit is there. Kevin made a video, and it's absolutely beautiful. They hung your hat in the cabin and said that now you can make the journey to your favorite spots on the lake whenever you want to. Uncle Pat couldn't make it, but said that after watching the video he felt he was there, just as he was on so many trips with you, and thanked them for taking you on your last trip.

I'll always have this beautiful little piece of closure to look at whenever I'm feeling sad. And if I ever need to, I may just have to make my second trip to Dog Lake to come and see you and all of the beauty that surrounds you, just like it always has. I love you, Daddy. <3