I miss you. I hit a milestone - I had my first happy dream about you last night. I finally got to see you in my dreams and you didn't die. We were at some type of ceremony - it seemed like a graduation, but for once it wasn't mine. Everyone from the immediate family was there. We all were sad that you were "going to leave us," and somehow you knew just how sad "leaving" would make all of us. In the middle of the ceremony you told me that you decided you were going to stay, and I got to share the news with everyone. And that pretty much meant that you had decided to live and changed your mind about dying.
You seemed genuinely happy, like you really wanted nothing more than to be there with all of us. You were completely pain-free. It made me so happy to see you happy. And it made me miss you even more. One vivid part of the dream was you reaching out to hold my hand, and I could actually remember the exact way it felt to hold your hand - the proportion of my smaller hand to yours and the way your skin was rough from so many years of hard work. I woke up feeling relieved but then realized it was only a dream. For once, though, the memory is a happy one, and for that I am very thankful. But I still can't help crying, and I would do anything to hold your hand again.
I love you and miss you more than words can say. I know you miss me, too.
Love,
Ashley
Ps. I hope you're enjoying Riley's company. I still can't believe he's gone, but I am so happy you guys have each other. The first thing I plan to do when I die is find the two of you.
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