Day 1461

 Dear Dad (Grandpa):

We are thinking of you, as always. We miss you and wish nothing more than for you to meet our sweet little girl. She knows you - we have your photo up everywhere - and she points and says, "Grandpa!" If I show her your photo on my phone or in an album she knows and says your name. Today she has caught a few of my tears and pointed to my cheek and says, "sad?" and it's the sweetest reaction. You would be beside yourself with love.

I read your letter every year, and as much as it kills me, it reminds me that you were ready to go and in so much pain. It is not fair to wish you could have kept suffering, but it's hard to not think that there must have been something I could have done. If I had only paid closer attention. If I had only taken you to get help.

People talk about how much you're missing - not being able to see Landry and watch her grow. But I remind myself to remember that you were present in the most important ways. You helped me grow and raised me and prepared me for the wonderful life I have. You never left, you didn't give up when I needed you, and you always showed us so much love. I am the luckiest girl to have had the best father. You are present in me.

We continue to keep your memory alive and honor you in all the ways possible. We miss you every second.

All of our love,

Ashley & Landry

Day 1095

Good morning, Daddy.

Three years ago today I woke up one person, and went to bed as someone else. Three years ago today I woke up excited about being a newlywed, looking for our first house and feeling like I had everything I could ever want, and a few hours later I learned that you had taken your life and my whole world crashed around me.

When I got the call that we didn't know where you were, I was hopeful that there was an explanation - you decided to go hunting, you went to visit a brother without telling us, or even that you got into a car accident and simply were in the hospital. After many phone calls to family, police departments, and hospitals, things quickly got very scary. We made the decision to drive up north to your house, and as I came up the stairs to leave, I collapsed and sobbed because something deep inside me told me you were already gone. I remember saying, "I can feel it, I know he's not here anymore."

That's how connected we were. I don't know what I believe in anymore - spirits, faith, etc, but there was always a connection between us that I can't explain. Without you, a huge piece of me is gone.

This year I was able to fill in a little bit of that missing piece with my Landry. She has been the biggest blessing for me. Although she will be forever deprived of the relationship with her grandpa that I had always imagined for my child, and even though scientifically it doesn't make sense, I do love to think she was "hand-picked by her grandpa in heaven". I love to think that you protected her during her early arrival, gave her strength during the scary moments, and continue to be her angel as she grows.

Love will last forever.

I will be telling her all about you today, and we are going to come up with some traditions to honor your memory on this day (and every day). She will always know how much you love her even though you never got to meet her, and the irreplaceable place you have in my heart. Thank you, Daddy, for being the perfect father, and for continuing to channel your love to me in some inexplicable way.

Happy 3rd year in your painless place. <3

Love,
Ashley & Landry
xoxo

Your baby girls. <3

Day 1058

Hi Dad,

Believe it or not, a baby is really time consuming! She is 6 months old now (4 months corrected - now sure how long I will continue to address the difference) and she is amazing! Everyone talks about how much you would adore her. And you totally would. Grandma even says, “He would call her poopa!” Just like you used to call Jackie - a doll in Maltese - when she was a baby. Lanie is very happy, always smiling. She is giggling and starting to roll over and eat baby food. She recently went through a stage of severe stranger anxiety, but then we went on a mini-vacation and she now seems to LOVE when new people talk to her. (But holding her is another story!)

Nick and I are adjusting well to parenthood. I’m sure you would say of course you are! We have a lot of help from my mom which definitely is a blessing. I am only working part time so I get this really perfect balance between being an endodontist and being a mom. I don’t think I could be happier. (Except of course if I had you around to share my happiness with!) Nick went back to McKinsey - a move I’m sure you would have supported. So far, he seems to have a lot of flexibility while enjoying the work he is doing and feeling fulfilled - which is what we all want for him!

The family is doing well. I feel like Nick and I have started to form more of our own independent family unit, spending a little more time with just us and a little less time trying to make everyone happy. As hard as that is for me (you know how I am about ever feeling like I am disappointing someone), I really think that its a good thing for all of us. We focus a lot of time on Landry while being careful not to spread ourselves too thin. It’s interesting that I think I used to take pride in “being busy” and having something going on all the time - in someway it was a measurement of success or something. But now I feel that time at home doing normal daily things is just what we need, and its refreshing. Having a beautiful new home with pretty much everything right here definitely helps.

Well, today is Monday - and sadly its my last Monday with a late start at 1pm. Next week I go back to a normal 8-5 which means no more Monday mornings with my sweet baby girl. We had a great weekend - we went to Steph and Sean’s - they had a party to celebrate Emmett’s birthday and the finalization of Manny’s adoption. You would be amazed by their adorable family! Then we celebrated the September birthdays - Grandma, Mom, Jackie and Michael. It’s my happy place to be around everyone, and now having Landry there makes it even better! But its time to get on to the work week.

I miss you every day. Some days are harder than others. My morning drives to work are sometimes especially difficult. But I wipe away the tears and keep moving along, just as you would want me to. Sometimes I could just really use a big hug. I love you so much and hope you’re living pain free and happy keeping me safe and watching over me. <3

Forever and always,
Ashley

Day 889

Hi Dad,

Wow, I cannot believe that I had to write eight hundred and eighty nine days since you left us. That is completely unbelievable. I also can't believe that its been almost a year since I last opened this website to write to you. It's been a very eventful year. I also think that I tried to close up my wounds a little bit by pushing the pain away, in order to be strong and prepare for the next chapter of our lives: Landry.

We had A BABY, Daddy! As I write this she is in her bassinet next to the bed, making the most adorable baby noises. You would absolutely love her. She is perfect in every way. She came very early and very small, just like I did. But she is strong and resilient and wonderful. I had always told you that I wanted you to stay healthy (and stop smoking!) so that you could one day meet my baby. It broke my heart to not be able to introduce you her, but I thought of you within seconds of her arrival - and I told Uncle Pat in that moment that I wished so badly that you could have been there. I know you were there in our hearts - helping to keep us safe, and boy did we need all the help we could get! Landry and I had a very rocky few days bringing her into the world, but we survived!

Michael sent me a really adorable message while I was in the hospital in the days after I delivered: He told me how proud he was of me, that I never cease to amaze him. He said it couldn't have been easy keeping the baby in at my own detriment, and that it took real courage. He told me that he never doubted me for a minute and that I would be a great mom. Then he said that at one point years ago when the family was worried about him, Uncle Pat had asked you if you were worried and you said "Nah, he's a fuckin' tiger" - and then Michael said that I am stronger than he is, and that Landry is a tiger, too. I was so worried about her, and he reassured me that she was going to be fine. That we all have different battles, but we are fighters because of the support we have behind us. He also told me that you would be beside yourself with pride for how great I did, and that you would be a weepy friggin' mess!

Last weekend he came over to put up a baby gate he made for our deck - for the baby and the dogs. He also brought a special stuffed tiger for Landry. He said he bought about 4 of them and tested them all out to find the perfect fit for Landry. The one he chose was the softest and easiest to snuggle. I said to him, "Maybe this will be the one she carries around with her as she grows," and he said, "that was the idea." A few days later was April 2nd, her one month birthday! I did the obligatory one month photo with the annoying sign and photo-op to share on social media. I decided to take one photo of her next to the tiger just to show her itty bitty size and plan to continue in the coming months to track her growth. Look how cute she is!

Its been a week since she got the tiger and 5 days since we took this one month photo. Tonight Michael texted me and told me that he had made a video for me and Nick. I assumed it was something special for Landry - he has been going through a lot of photos lately and sharing them with the family. I had no idea what he was up to:

Nick and I opened and watched the video for the first time in Target, and you can imagine the sobfest we had in the middle of the aisle. So, we have had this very special tiger for an entire week now not knowing just how special it really was. What an amazing gift. I can't wait for Landry to get old enough to understand the gravity of all of this and for her to truly understand what it means to have you in our hearts. One day she may outgrow the stuffed animal phase, and she may open him up and remove the heart from his chest so she can wear it - that way she can carry you with her always - the grandpa she never got to chance to meet, but who she knows is always watching over her and keeping her safe. 

I'm sorry I have been distant and I am sorry I haven't expressed how sad I am to not have you here with us. You have always been my person, and I will never be able to put into words how much I miss you. I love you always, Dad. <3 

Day 567

Hi Dad, just checking in. I know it’s been a while but don’t think I’m not thinking of you every single day, because I am.

Nick and I are watching a documentary series about Bobby Kennedy and tonight was the episode where he got shot. Needless to say - anything with death reminds me of you and automatically gives me a stabbing feeling in the heart. I feel like I now always have an exaggerated response to death because all the sadness comes rushing back. I guess I’m thankful because I know for sure I’ll never forget how it felt the moment I knew you were gone.

I am always wondering what you thought of different situations. During the documentary I have been thinking... Were you a fan of Bobby’s? You were only a teenager when it happened, but do you remember the day and what you were doing when you heard he died? Do you remember feeling sad?
... on a side note: For dinner we had steaks and I always think of you and how you loved grilling steaks (especially for me!) And I wondered - Would Dad have thought this was well grilled?... Nah if you had cooked it you probably would have said, “Ah shit, over-cooked!” My point is you’re in my thoughts with almost everything I do, and I just don’t want you to think I’m forgetting you...

Back to the Kennedy thing: In the same episode of this documentary Bobby recited a poem from his favorite poet during his speech about MLK Jr’s assassination. We had to rewind it to make sure we heard it exactly right...

      “In our sleep, pain which cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart until, in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom through the awful grace of God." - Aeschylus 

I’m not sure its just in our sleep, though. As much as I don’t like to admit it, I am coping, and I’m getting stronger day by day. I miss you so much, it still hurts so often, but you are always always in my heart. I love you, Dad.

❤️ Ashley Rose

PS. Although I’m still a crier especially when it comes to thinking about you, I don’t get away with it for too long because the dogs literally attack my face licking up my tears...

Taken just after sobfest tonight because Bobby died.

Day 456

Hey Dad!

I miss you. I hit a milestone - I had my first happy dream about you last night. I finally got to see you in my dreams and you didn't die. We were at some type of ceremony - it seemed like a graduation, but for once it wasn't mine. Everyone from the immediate family was there. We all were sad that you were "going to leave us," and somehow you knew just how sad "leaving" would make all of us. In the middle of the ceremony you told me that you decided you were going to stay, and I got to share the news with everyone. And that pretty much meant that you had decided to live and changed your mind about dying.

You seemed genuinely happy, like you really wanted nothing more than to be there with all of us. You were completely pain-free. It made me so happy to see you happy. And it made me miss you even more. One vivid part of the dream was you reaching out to hold my hand, and I could actually remember the exact way it felt to hold your hand - the proportion of my smaller hand to yours and the way your skin was rough from so many years of hard work. I woke up feeling relieved but then realized it was only a dream. For once, though, the memory is a happy one, and for that I am very thankful. But I still can't help crying, and I would do anything to hold your hand again.

I love you and miss you more than words can say. I know you miss me, too.

Love,
Ashley

Ps. I hope you're enjoying Riley's company. I still can't believe he's gone, but I am so happy you guys have each other. The first thing I plan to do when I die is find the two of you.

Day 411

Hi Dad,

Wow 411 days, that's incredible.

 

(Found this one today, it made me smile)

I had a hard "dad day". It was one of those days where you just keep popping up over and over. There can be days that no one talks about you, no one acknowledges your absence, no one addresses how much it still hurts that you're not here. Most days the only reminders I have of you are when I walk in and out of our mudroom and I see your picture on the counter... or when I get into my car and pull the sun visor down and your prayer card falls on me as you say, "hello!"... or when I look down at my hand a million times per day and see your birthstone on the ring on my finger. So as you can see, not very much. ;) But today I had an emotional day at work with some 'new doctor growing pains' and just as I was starting to feel really sad about it, Amie texted me and said she had a dream about you:

Of course, it did make me cry.

Then, I found out Ben Loe's baby was born!! His name is August or "Gus", and its after his grandfather. He's so so cute. Ben is one of the friends I felt like you knew really well and always really loved, and I thought how excited you would have been to hear about his baby. You loved babies and I could imagine that you would have given him a great big excited congratulations. I feel like you were channeling it through me and it was making me more excited for him than I already was. 

And then every happy thought somehow comes with a sad one - and seeing everyone's excitement about the birth of other people's babies makes me think of the day I'll have a baby - and it breaks my heart over and over thinking about not having you there to be ecstatic and proud of us that day and boasting about it to everyone you know (and probably everyone you don't know, and everyone who will listen). Watching you with my baby, and seeing how happy it would make you would been one of the happiest things I could ever experience. The thought of not having YOU there makes me feel like I had one of most, if not THE MOST precious moment of my life stolen from me.

So then, just as I was having my hundredth breakdown of the day, Leeann texted me that she saw this and it made her think of me: 

It's so true. There is so much love, Dad, with no place to go. Sounds awful, I guess, to say that, but it wasn't made for anyone else but you and it's always going to be that way. I miss you, Dad. So much. Life will never be the same. 

Love,

your baby girl